No Mayo, Please

I was in Blockbuster today renting an action movie for my uncle to watch when I heard a movie clip with a young actress saying this line... "I hate being smart."

Well, I call bullshit on her character. Not her, as it was just a line she was reciting, but her character... yeah that's bullshit.

No one who is smart truly hates being smart. We love it. I mean, the occasional bitching about how other people are dumb, and how annoying it is, and how seeing and hearing and processing things from a smart point of view makes the future seem desolate when surrounded by so much idiocy- and even sometimes the angry claim that "ignorance is bliss" are to be expected. But that is simply out of sadness that you can't find a guy who knows how to pronounce "feta" cheese or the meaning of the word "existentialist" ...or from frustration that your sandwich was made incorrectly ("How hard is it to NOT include mayo? I specifically asked for no mayo. Twice.") It doesn't reflect how smart people truly feel about being smart.

It offers a wide range of perks. Feeling mean? Great. Be condescending to a person you just met at a bar who seems to think they know what they're taking about when it comes to gas prices- but have no idea what prospecting is or how it affects the price per barrel of oil. This little trick can be used in a wide array of situations and on a multitude of subjects- and you'll probably come out feeling much better about yourself after making somone else look/feel like a total ass. You can forget your own problems for a while. :)

Get into a tiff or argument with some asshole? This could be after a minor traffic accident, at a strip club, or- again, in a social situation where there's a disagreement and you are clearly right- just start using the best selection from your vocabulary (in the correct context, now, there may be other smarties near by! You know we love to eavesdrop)- and make sure the words are polysyllabic and obscure!- and you can smart your way right to the high-road of glory by confusing your opponent.



Oh, and just so you know, the truth is you probably asked for no mayo in a rather impolite way because you're sooo smart (and thus better than everybody, right?) and so you came off as a condenscending asshole to the poor sanwich girl behind the counter (use the condescention only when it's absolutely needed!)- who just so happens to also be smart (and is paying her way through Dartmouth College with that job, damnit!) and so she wanted to teach you a subtle lesson involving an extra 200 mayo calories.

Just sayin'.

But I like mayo. :)

OH! And I have an awesome male mockingbird out front of my house and his territory is in the nearest tree-- I get to hear his melodic and varied song everytime I go outside...it's like being Snow White!
Only no Evil Queen. (Unless you include the mean gay guy who lives down the street.)

Yay!

So. Getting back into shape.

Harder than I expected. And I don't mean the running so much as I thought I would... I mean everything else. Yeah my legs aren't nearly as solid and toned as they were when I played Rugby- but that is on it's way. I combine running and calisthenics with some physical therapy exercises to rehab my left knee (which is apparently still an ongoing thing!), but when it comes to doing pushups like I used to-- WOW.
Man that shit goes fast. And it's hard to regain!

Looks like wile I have the free time I'm gonna have to turn it up and actually add in weight lifting again. Only this time I'm attempting to avoid bulk- so that means less weight, more repetitions and a LOT more cardio work. Getting a membership at the Aquatic center helped- I can use their gym AND start swimming as much as I used to. I'm also considering a membership at the indoor rock climbing gym- but I won't commit to that until I'm sure I'll go often.

One thing is for sure- I reallly missed this. :)

Pics updated!

Keep rollin'

My purse eats things.
I've realized it's much easier to downsize purses when going out. Because if I don't...mine will inevitably eat things, and then I can't find my cell phone/grocery list/earring/pen when I need it most. Ah, well.

I'm having fun! I'm being productive again. I'm learning the intracacies of my Blackberry. And... I'm going out. Yes, the traditional recluse is going out regularly. Seeing Karla and Brooke in Orlando, but also coming home and going out with Catrina and my cousing Jesse (whom I LOVE). And I'm really enjoying it...which is totally odd for me.

So we went to Round Up, (which is a sweet bar by the way, freakin' AWESOME) where I started out just scoping the place out and making fun of blatant douchebags/bad dancers/odd people... but ended up meeting a really cool guy, and arranging to learn line dancing on Sunday so I can actually do the dances when I go to Round Up in the future...

Sweet!! I'm so excited! Line dancing and dating again! I have a date. Tomorrow. And I'm excited. And I'm going back to work. And I'm running again. And I'm tan. And I'm branching out my wine expreiences. Haha...
And woo. :P

Check out my pics, each pic on the side links to one of my albums... I'll update them as often as I deem necessary. Ciao Bella!

Where Doubt and Fear Are Not

Well tis time to begin updating regularly, I think. Graduated college. Finally. On my own now, for a while at least, and trying to figure out if I'll be enlisting in the Air Force here shortly or going for a Naval Officer slot...
Suffice to say that in regards to my Air Force commission, I made some very bad decisions, either in action or in my confession of the action... and that "disenrolled" is a nice way of saying "kicked out." And yet the few months of freedom which lie ahead of me are welcome, despite the two-sides-of-the-coin feeling I'm getting from it.
Funny how I spent most of my Norwich years sabotaging myself, pushing the Air Force Detachment to their limit, and severely underachieving as a cadet... and now here I stand, a civilian (what my actions would say I subconsciously supposedly wanted)- and all I'm trying to do is get back in. The military lifestyle is all I've really wanted since I was 14, and all I've known for at least the past 4 years-
Haha! And now I can't handle the lack of structure out here. It frightens me, that I might become a waste of space, living off of my mother's hospitality...leaving dishes behind like I did in high school.
Ecccchhhh. The horror.
So. Workout routines. I can do those. Beach trips, surfing again. I can do that (good for you AND fun!) Working for Kaplan. Also fun for me, especially now that I'm in sunny weather! I'm trying to enjoy some time off, while keeping in mind that too much time off would be detrimental.
Just enough, and then back to it. I can't hold still.
And finally, I'm beginning to understand what people mean about being indoctrinated into "real life" after the protective blankets of college are turned down. My blankets, for the record, were not down. They were wool. Itchy, woven-steel-like wool, the kind that neither warm you immediately nor breathe sufficiently, so you're always stuck in one extreme of sweating your ass off or freeing-- but enough on Norwich. It's over.
I'm moving on. :)

Keep one, still, secret spot
Where dreams may go,
And sheltered so
May thrive and grow-
Where doubt and fear are not.

Stabbed in the front is more like it.

So spending the weekend with Mom is a good time. It certainly kept me from doing anything stupid. But it also brought up a bunch of issues I have been silently considering. When I graduate (if I can bring up my grades in time in order to do so...) I will possibly have to pay back...a lot of money. I'm looking at an obscene amount of thousands and thousands of dollars of debt because the rug has been pulled out from under me. In addition to my loans and car payment. And work...what will I do? I have ideas. We are discussing them.
There is still this pervasive feeling in my gut though, even with the ups and downs I am having and facing the new reality of my recently flipped-upside-down world...a sadness. Because no matter how hard I try to, I don't understand how someone who claims to care about a person and yet adds to that person's pain can simply not care enough to check in. To ask how that person is. Because if they cared, they would, right? And I don't get how you can one day be a constant presence, a fixture in someone's life, and the next...you're not even a consideration. A passing thought.
And I suppose I don't understand why I'm always the person who's forgotten.

I keep telling myself I will get through this, I will make it. There is so much working against me. And I have little fight left in me, I think. But I'm trying. I'm doing my best. And even though I will be again soon, right now...I am not alone.
But I am in so many ways.
I feel it in my gut.

Wellllll

It's amazing. At the bottom of everything, after losing my ability to play rugby, my academic superiority, having my love thrown out and my trust betrayed, after losing my future in the Air Force, and having my hopes of financial security slashed...
I thought I had no one at all, and that the person I had depended on abandoned me. He did. But I have found friends and people coming out of the woodwork who have been there all along. It was up to me to reach out. Rook buddies, co-workers, family members, old friends, religous figures, and most of all, my mother.
She bought a $430 plane ticket to get here tomorrow to stay with me over the weekend and into Monday to support me, give me company, and keep me from doing anything stupid (or anything emotionally destructive). So. I will survive. Because that's what I do. Right, Dad? :)

Long road. I'll get there.

well fuck it, i was right wasn't i.

Shitty flight. Cell phone lost/stolen/whatever. Car towed, for which I paid $260. And when I get back, I am so pissed off and exhausted and depressed that I just pass out. The one person I would have really liked to talk to was nowhere to be found and didn't find it important enough to talk to me even after 2 days of no communication. So I slept. Because I hate this miserable place. And I hate my empty room. And I hate it all even more when it's juxtaposed to how wonderful Florida was.

I can't wait to graduate but I can barely bring myself to do the requisite work to get there. I woke up today and got some work done, and went to lay down for a quick bit and instead ended up sleeping through everything. Clearly, my mind was saying something. I would rather lie in bed than face my miserable existence here. And I have no one. For once, I feel as though I am completely alone up here. I had my mom and Jeff and Kim and my friends... and now, I have no rookbuddies in the same building, and my rugby friends don't really talk to me anymore...I've distanced myself from my network of support and for completely fucked up reasons, and now my reasons are gone and I am alone. Completely alone.

Wow. The tables have really turned. So I'm getting work done. And I'm trying to make strong resolutions because if I let this pervasive misery swallow me, I'll never get out of this place alive, let alone with a degree. I'm making someone wake me up for formation so I can't sleep through my life. And after I wake up for that, I'm either sitting at my desk to work or I'm PTing. And it's a good thing because starting next week I go back to Air Force PT, because my knee will be "better."

And as far as class goes, I don't know what else to do. I've made up all of my work. Now I suppose it's all studying. That's what my life feels like here. I wake up, go to class (or not go to class and catch up on work), I answer e-mails, prep teaching materials for hours, do O Chem for hours, and then when I'm done... there's nothing to do. I'm never really done though, even in my free time this oppressive weight sits on my shoulders and taunts me. And I burn out, and the depression takes over, and I have to face where my life is and how it got there, and then I sleep. Because I can't handle it. Because I fucked it all up by allowing myself to indulge and get emotionally attached, because I have no will power, and because I can't listen to my instincts when they are telling me that something is wrong.

Listening to Sara Bareilles. Good song, #7: Between the Lines. A few favorite lines:

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way...

The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be
this many times...

Queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails...

You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines...

I thought was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all...

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
"Wait for me, I'm almost ready"
When he meant let go.