So spending the weekend with Mom is a good time. It certainly kept me from doing anything stupid. But it also brought up a bunch of issues I have been silently considering. When I graduate (if I can bring up my grades in time in order to do so...) I will possibly have to pay back...a lot of money. I'm looking at an obscene amount of thousands and thousands of dollars of debt because the rug has been pulled out from under me. In addition to my loans and car payment. And work...what will I do? I have ideas. We are discussing them.
There is still this pervasive feeling in my gut though, even with the ups and downs I am having and facing the new reality of my recently flipped-upside-down world...a sadness. Because no matter how hard I try to, I don't understand how someone who claims to care about a person and yet adds to that person's pain can simply not care enough to check in. To ask how that person is. Because if they cared, they would, right? And I don't get how you can one day be a constant presence, a fixture in someone's life, and the next...you're not even a consideration. A passing thought.
And I suppose I don't understand why I'm always the person who's forgotten.
I keep telling myself I will get through this, I will make it. There is so much working against me. And I have little fight left in me, I think. But I'm trying. I'm doing my best. And even though I will be again soon, right now...I am not alone.
But I am in so many ways.
I feel it in my gut.
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