So spending the weekend with Mom is a good time. It certainly kept me from doing anything stupid. But it also brought up a bunch of issues I have been silently considering. When I graduate (if I can bring up my grades in time in order to do so...) I will possibly have to pay back...a lot of money. I'm looking at an obscene amount of thousands and thousands of dollars of debt because the rug has been pulled out from under me. In addition to my loans and car payment. And work...what will I do? I have ideas. We are discussing them.
There is still this pervasive feeling in my gut though, even with the ups and downs I am having and facing the new reality of my recently flipped-upside-down world...a sadness. Because no matter how hard I try to, I don't understand how someone who claims to care about a person and yet adds to that person's pain can simply not care enough to check in. To ask how that person is. Because if they cared, they would, right? And I don't get how you can one day be a constant presence, a fixture in someone's life, and the next...you're not even a consideration. A passing thought.
And I suppose I don't understand why I'm always the person who's forgotten.
I keep telling myself I will get through this, I will make it. There is so much working against me. And I have little fight left in me, I think. But I'm trying. I'm doing my best. And even though I will be again soon, right now...I am not alone.
But I am in so many ways.
I feel it in my gut.
23 March 2008
21 March 2008
Wellllll
It's amazing. At the bottom of everything, after losing my ability to play rugby, my academic superiority, having my love thrown out and my trust betrayed, after losing my future in the Air Force, and having my hopes of financial security slashed...
I thought I had no one at all, and that the person I had depended on abandoned me. He did. But I have found friends and people coming out of the woodwork who have been there all along. It was up to me to reach out. Rook buddies, co-workers, family members, old friends, religous figures, and most of all, my mother.
She bought a $430 plane ticket to get here tomorrow to stay with me over the weekend and into Monday to support me, give me company, and keep me from doing anything stupid (or anything emotionally destructive). So. I will survive. Because that's what I do. Right, Dad? :)
Long road. I'll get there.
I thought I had no one at all, and that the person I had depended on abandoned me. He did. But I have found friends and people coming out of the woodwork who have been there all along. It was up to me to reach out. Rook buddies, co-workers, family members, old friends, religous figures, and most of all, my mother.
She bought a $430 plane ticket to get here tomorrow to stay with me over the weekend and into Monday to support me, give me company, and keep me from doing anything stupid (or anything emotionally destructive). So. I will survive. Because that's what I do. Right, Dad? :)
Long road. I'll get there.
18 March 2008
well fuck it, i was right wasn't i.
Shitty flight. Cell phone lost/stolen/whatever. Car towed, for which I paid $260. And when I get back, I am so pissed off and exhausted and depressed that I just pass out. The one person I would have really liked to talk to was nowhere to be found and didn't find it important enough to talk to me even after 2 days of no communication. So I slept. Because I hate this miserable place. And I hate my empty room. And I hate it all even more when it's juxtaposed to how wonderful Florida was.
I can't wait to graduate but I can barely bring myself to do the requisite work to get there. I woke up today and got some work done, and went to lay down for a quick bit and instead ended up sleeping through everything. Clearly, my mind was saying something. I would rather lie in bed than face my miserable existence here. And I have no one. For once, I feel as though I am completely alone up here. I had my mom and Jeff and Kim and my friends... and now, I have no rookbuddies in the same building, and my rugby friends don't really talk to me anymore...I've distanced myself from my network of support and for completely fucked up reasons, and now my reasons are gone and I am alone. Completely alone.
Wow. The tables have really turned. So I'm getting work done. And I'm trying to make strong resolutions because if I let this pervasive misery swallow me, I'll never get out of this place alive, let alone with a degree. I'm making someone wake me up for formation so I can't sleep through my life. And after I wake up for that, I'm either sitting at my desk to work or I'm PTing. And it's a good thing because starting next week I go back to Air Force PT, because my knee will be "better."
And as far as class goes, I don't know what else to do. I've made up all of my work. Now I suppose it's all studying. That's what my life feels like here. I wake up, go to class (or not go to class and catch up on work), I answer e-mails, prep teaching materials for hours, do O Chem for hours, and then when I'm done... there's nothing to do. I'm never really done though, even in my free time this oppressive weight sits on my shoulders and taunts me. And I burn out, and the depression takes over, and I have to face where my life is and how it got there, and then I sleep. Because I can't handle it. Because I fucked it all up by allowing myself to indulge and get emotionally attached, because I have no will power, and because I can't listen to my instincts when they are telling me that something is wrong.
Listening to Sara Bareilles. Good song, #7: Between the Lines. A few favorite lines:
Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way...
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be
this many times...
Queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails...
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines...
I thought was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all...
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
"Wait for me, I'm almost ready"
When he meant let go.
I can't wait to graduate but I can barely bring myself to do the requisite work to get there. I woke up today and got some work done, and went to lay down for a quick bit and instead ended up sleeping through everything. Clearly, my mind was saying something. I would rather lie in bed than face my miserable existence here. And I have no one. For once, I feel as though I am completely alone up here. I had my mom and Jeff and Kim and my friends... and now, I have no rookbuddies in the same building, and my rugby friends don't really talk to me anymore...I've distanced myself from my network of support and for completely fucked up reasons, and now my reasons are gone and I am alone. Completely alone.
Wow. The tables have really turned. So I'm getting work done. And I'm trying to make strong resolutions because if I let this pervasive misery swallow me, I'll never get out of this place alive, let alone with a degree. I'm making someone wake me up for formation so I can't sleep through my life. And after I wake up for that, I'm either sitting at my desk to work or I'm PTing. And it's a good thing because starting next week I go back to Air Force PT, because my knee will be "better."
And as far as class goes, I don't know what else to do. I've made up all of my work. Now I suppose it's all studying. That's what my life feels like here. I wake up, go to class (or not go to class and catch up on work), I answer e-mails, prep teaching materials for hours, do O Chem for hours, and then when I'm done... there's nothing to do. I'm never really done though, even in my free time this oppressive weight sits on my shoulders and taunts me. And I burn out, and the depression takes over, and I have to face where my life is and how it got there, and then I sleep. Because I can't handle it. Because I fucked it all up by allowing myself to indulge and get emotionally attached, because I have no will power, and because I can't listen to my instincts when they are telling me that something is wrong.
Listening to Sara Bareilles. Good song, #7: Between the Lines. A few favorite lines:
Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way...
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be
this many times...
Queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails...
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines...
I thought was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all...
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
"Wait for me, I'm almost ready"
When he meant let go.
17 March 2008
So. I've come to the conclusion that Saturday Night Live is about as funny as cancer. Really, I mean, the acting is horrible, and the whole show is basically commercials with four skits and two (often shitty) musical breaks in between. And then, during the commercials, they make little cut-backs to what's going on 'behind the scenes,' which tricks you into thinking the show is coming back on- and when you realize it's not, you're almost a little let down. And then you remember: the show is crap, so why would I care? I'd rather watch the same seven commercials over and over again than see one more horrible costume change or overacting 'comedian.' Who writes this shit? Do they sit in a little board room with a special humor-proof door all week and pat each-other on the backs over their crappy skits, which they clearly must read over and over again until the shit sounds funny.
I'm just saying. It's not.
OH! And while I'm on the topic of how much TV lets me down (no wonder I hardly watch it), I was really looking forward to seeing the Discovery Channel's new series on The Human Body: Pushing the Limits. It looked good. Nice previews. Unfortunately, they dumb down the intracacies of the physiology so much it's just barely enjoyable for me. They keep using words like "special chemicals" (when referring to sodium, calcium and potassium among other things) and ambiguous, almost incorrect terms like "a layer of fat" (when speaking about myelin on nerves with saltatory conduction). Certainly they don't need to get into crazy details like actin and myosin, but would it kill you to call the "strands" of muscle-fibers "myofibrils"? Say "sarcomere," call the "glands" which release ADRENALine "ADRENAL glands!" Christ! Teach the 'uneducated' masses new words, that's what you're here for! It's the freaking Discovery Channel, not the Discover a Little but Only As Much as We Think You Freak Idiots Can Handle Channel.
I'm just saying.
Anyway, I get on a plane in 6 hours to head back to Boston and then drive 3 hours back to school. And fuck me sideways, I forgot I had a brief and a midterm counseling to do tomorrow so I had to reschedule them (though I completed the powerpoint, I won't be back in time.) Going back, with everything I have to do, is not going to be a cake-walk. I certainly have my work cut out for me. But I'm ready for it- I'm rejuvenated. I think...
AND I finished all of my assignments which are due when I get back, which means I'm caught up in Organic Chemistry. The Next Challenge is keeping up.
Well. On that note. Sleep.
I'm just saying. It's not.
OH! And while I'm on the topic of how much TV lets me down (no wonder I hardly watch it), I was really looking forward to seeing the Discovery Channel's new series on The Human Body: Pushing the Limits. It looked good. Nice previews. Unfortunately, they dumb down the intracacies of the physiology so much it's just barely enjoyable for me. They keep using words like "special chemicals" (when referring to sodium, calcium and potassium among other things) and ambiguous, almost incorrect terms like "a layer of fat" (when speaking about myelin on nerves with saltatory conduction). Certainly they don't need to get into crazy details like actin and myosin, but would it kill you to call the "strands" of muscle-fibers "myofibrils"? Say "sarcomere," call the "glands" which release ADRENALine "ADRENAL glands!" Christ! Teach the 'uneducated' masses new words, that's what you're here for! It's the freaking Discovery Channel, not the Discover a Little but Only As Much as We Think You Freak Idiots Can Handle Channel.
I'm just saying.
Anyway, I get on a plane in 6 hours to head back to Boston and then drive 3 hours back to school. And fuck me sideways, I forgot I had a brief and a midterm counseling to do tomorrow so I had to reschedule them (though I completed the powerpoint, I won't be back in time.) Going back, with everything I have to do, is not going to be a cake-walk. I certainly have my work cut out for me. But I'm ready for it- I'm rejuvenated. I think...
AND I finished all of my assignments which are due when I get back, which means I'm caught up in Organic Chemistry. The Next Challenge is keeping up.
Well. On that note. Sleep.
14 March 2008
No freakin' way
So, Spring Break.
For most college kids my age, Spring Break- especially the last one before graduation- is a time to let loose and party. Get drunk. See young girls flash body parts in exotic locations like Cancun, SouthBeach, or on expensive cruises. A time to reconnect with other college buddies for one last hurrah before we buckle down to get those elusive degrees.
Well, good for those college kids, but I am not one of them. No, I'm much more boring.
Why drink so much that your break passes you by in a mix of drunken stupors and blackouts, or imbibe so much that your body hates you and you gain ten pounds?
Here's my Spring Break. I've gotten up no earlier than 10:00AM every day. I've gone to the beach, like, once. I've laid out at my local pool a few times and I have a nice tan. I'm re-teaching myself how to eat because I've taken up vegitarianism (www.GoVeg.com great site!). I've lost about 8 lbs. I go running or walking pretty much every day. I open the doors in the house and let the pristine breeze and perfect weather in. I go to Barnes and Noble and read. I read!! I haven't had time to read in forever!
I've gotten a pedicure, and my mom touched up my hair color and cut (it has a little accidental red in it now, though I hear that will fade...don't worry, my Mom IS a professional.) I'm spending time with old friends, my cousin, and best of all- my mother and brother and sister. I'm reconnecting with my family. I'm getting overdue work done and getting ahead on my lesson prepping for my job with Kaplan so I can further reduce my stress when I get back. I'm relaxing. I'm having, quite possibly, the best time I've had in a long time.
This is SO NICE! I feel completely de-stressed and I can tell everywhere and in everything I do. I'm in a better mood, I'm happier, I have more energy, I don't have food cravings or eat crap, I feel stronger, my complexion has improved, my hair and skin feel better, I'm more patient, more pleasant in general, and I don't even dread going back up to school. Man, was this ever the break I needed. I feel so rejuvenated-nothing can take this away.
Tonight I go to the Improv downtown with my brother and my sister-in-law. Yay! I'm so excited! And I'll get to wear one of my new outfits...oh, yeah I forgot to mention I went shopping. At the Boca Mall. I hit up 4 stores- Express, J. Crew, The Gap, and Victoria's Secret. I spent, well, let's just say I have some new credit card bills... but I got AWESOME new work clothes, and even some clothes for fun. Some favorites are my new bikini, my flowy white skirt and navy blue bermuda shorts from J. Crew, and this little black dress and high-waisted business skirt from Express. Yes, that's right, my hips are finally slim enough and my stomach flat enough that I can wear high-waisted skirts and look GOOD in them. FINALLY! So long coming. Whew.
Well I'm sure I've sickened the reader enough with my unwavering happiness. Don't worry, I'm sure my next entry will be due to a reality check of some sort. Ah... such is life.
Check this link about a 17-month old who started reading at 13 months: (My kids will read sooner. Just saying.)
http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&brand=&vid=c044d322-a4f6-4a38-925a-12d01ef81fb8
For most college kids my age, Spring Break- especially the last one before graduation- is a time to let loose and party. Get drunk. See young girls flash body parts in exotic locations like Cancun, SouthBeach, or on expensive cruises. A time to reconnect with other college buddies for one last hurrah before we buckle down to get those elusive degrees.
Well, good for those college kids, but I am not one of them. No, I'm much more boring.
Why drink so much that your break passes you by in a mix of drunken stupors and blackouts, or imbibe so much that your body hates you and you gain ten pounds?
Here's my Spring Break. I've gotten up no earlier than 10:00AM every day. I've gone to the beach, like, once. I've laid out at my local pool a few times and I have a nice tan. I'm re-teaching myself how to eat because I've taken up vegitarianism (www.GoVeg.com great site!). I've lost about 8 lbs. I go running or walking pretty much every day. I open the doors in the house and let the pristine breeze and perfect weather in. I go to Barnes and Noble and read. I read!! I haven't had time to read in forever!
I've gotten a pedicure, and my mom touched up my hair color and cut (it has a little accidental red in it now, though I hear that will fade...don't worry, my Mom IS a professional.) I'm spending time with old friends, my cousin, and best of all- my mother and brother and sister. I'm reconnecting with my family. I'm getting overdue work done and getting ahead on my lesson prepping for my job with Kaplan so I can further reduce my stress when I get back. I'm relaxing. I'm having, quite possibly, the best time I've had in a long time.
This is SO NICE! I feel completely de-stressed and I can tell everywhere and in everything I do. I'm in a better mood, I'm happier, I have more energy, I don't have food cravings or eat crap, I feel stronger, my complexion has improved, my hair and skin feel better, I'm more patient, more pleasant in general, and I don't even dread going back up to school. Man, was this ever the break I needed. I feel so rejuvenated-nothing can take this away.
Tonight I go to the Improv downtown with my brother and my sister-in-law. Yay! I'm so excited! And I'll get to wear one of my new outfits...oh, yeah I forgot to mention I went shopping. At the Boca Mall. I hit up 4 stores- Express, J. Crew, The Gap, and Victoria's Secret. I spent, well, let's just say I have some new credit card bills... but I got AWESOME new work clothes, and even some clothes for fun. Some favorites are my new bikini, my flowy white skirt and navy blue bermuda shorts from J. Crew, and this little black dress and high-waisted business skirt from Express. Yes, that's right, my hips are finally slim enough and my stomach flat enough that I can wear high-waisted skirts and look GOOD in them. FINALLY! So long coming. Whew.
Well I'm sure I've sickened the reader enough with my unwavering happiness. Don't worry, I'm sure my next entry will be due to a reality check of some sort. Ah... such is life.
Check this link about a 17-month old who started reading at 13 months: (My kids will read sooner. Just saying.)
http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&brand=&vid=c044d322-a4f6-4a38-925a-12d01ef81fb8
03 March 2008
Hey hey look what I did
Fun facts of the day:
If you go to a logging site, there will not be signs bearing warnings about unsafe areas. You are on your own to figure that shit out.
If you get the sap of a balsam fir on your ass/person/clothes/BDUs, it will not come off in the wash cycle, or the dryer, or from direct scrubbing.
I know this because upon sitting on a recently harvested stand of firs, the resin blisters exploded on the seat of my pants. Which sounds, incidentally, much more disgusting than it actually is.
The outcome... is simply that my ass smelled like Christmas Trees all day.
So now, after a good wash, the seat of my uniform pants... still smells like Christmas Trees. Thus the scent, quite literally, follows me around all day. Pleasant but occasionally disconcerting.
Also...isn't it interesting the way we personify our electronics? They've become such a part of our daily lives that a phrase like "My computer died" is met with condolences. However, for some reason the phrase "My (insert malfunctioning electronic here) took a shit on me," which has become a commonly used staple in my vernacular, is still met with sideways looks and sarcastic remarks on the literal interpretation of the phrase. To which I respond, come on guys, too easy. Really. Put in some effort.
I made some worthwhile poetry this evening. It would figure on my creative streak that I have HOURS of legit work ahead of me. Physiology is so goddamn interesting it makes me literally giddy with glee. In class if the Prof, who is (on a sidenote) an incredibly intelligent, interesting, remarkably demanding and DETAIL-ORIENTED woman, starts to cover something I have a resovoir of knowledge about (which is reasonably often) I can barely stay in my seat. I practically have to physically restrain myself from jumping up and screaming something like "YEAH! And the botulinum toxin type A is what they use in cosmetic botox but it's a particular isoform because the toxin is the most toxic protein that exists!!! Freakin' SWEET!"
Cause uh, generally that kind of enthusiasm is frowned upon. For some reason. Donno. Whatever.
If you go to a logging site, there will not be signs bearing warnings about unsafe areas. You are on your own to figure that shit out.
If you get the sap of a balsam fir on your ass/person/clothes/BDUs, it will not come off in the wash cycle, or the dryer, or from direct scrubbing.
I know this because upon sitting on a recently harvested stand of firs, the resin blisters exploded on the seat of my pants. Which sounds, incidentally, much more disgusting than it actually is.
The outcome... is simply that my ass smelled like Christmas Trees all day.
So now, after a good wash, the seat of my uniform pants... still smells like Christmas Trees. Thus the scent, quite literally, follows me around all day. Pleasant but occasionally disconcerting.
Also...isn't it interesting the way we personify our electronics? They've become such a part of our daily lives that a phrase like "My computer died" is met with condolences. However, for some reason the phrase "My (insert malfunctioning electronic here) took a shit on me," which has become a commonly used staple in my vernacular, is still met with sideways looks and sarcastic remarks on the literal interpretation of the phrase. To which I respond, come on guys, too easy. Really. Put in some effort.
I made some worthwhile poetry this evening. It would figure on my creative streak that I have HOURS of legit work ahead of me. Physiology is so goddamn interesting it makes me literally giddy with glee. In class if the Prof, who is (on a sidenote) an incredibly intelligent, interesting, remarkably demanding and DETAIL-ORIENTED woman, starts to cover something I have a resovoir of knowledge about (which is reasonably often) I can barely stay in my seat. I practically have to physically restrain myself from jumping up and screaming something like "YEAH! And the botulinum toxin type A is what they use in cosmetic botox but it's a particular isoform because the toxin is the most toxic protein that exists!!! Freakin' SWEET!"
Cause uh, generally that kind of enthusiasm is frowned upon. For some reason. Donno. Whatever.
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