Lazy Sunday.

So. Things are going really, really well right now.
Like, oddly well. I've made a conscious decision to stop fighting it and just go with it. Things can be going this well for a while with nothing really bad happening, right?

Anyway, I'm walking well now, sans brace...still got to work on my flexion, but other than that I'm doing wonderful with PT and recovery. Chris had his last day of chemo on Friday!!!!! So happy AND happy for him- it's been a very long time coming. Very long. And, oh yeah, WE'RE GOING TO NATIONALS!! The Norwich University Women's Rugby Football Club are Northeast Champions, earning- through sweat and dedication- the NE's only seed in the Division II National Championship. Maybe they'll finally move us up to Div I soon, so we can take this program to the next level and play Harvard, Navy, Army and Penn State.

And fuck. Them. Up. Yes.

Can't wait to get back on the pitch. The only downside to anything right now is my limited ability to work out. I've got a program worked out for this coming week which involves jump-rope (on one foot, thereby kind of doubling the cardio workout haha), and I can begin to cycle, so we'll see how that goes. Also, the pool beckons as does the pull-up bar and CORE STRENGTH exercises, which I will do just for fun cause....they're fun. :) I miss the gym, and now I can justify going (finding the time will be the issue, naturally).

I need to go shopping. It has only recently occurred to me that I am months away from entering the Real World, and despite the obvious simplicity of wearing a uniform to work...I don't plan on the Air Force being my only job. Volunteering, interviews, and "business casual" work-related tasks will undoubtedly be a part of my life, and my wardrobe still screams "I GO TO COLLEGE AND I AM AN INDIVIDUAL." So that means, of course, I have to do WHAT when I get back from Thanksgiving Break in 2 weeks?
Yeah, that's right. I have to go back to work. Greeaaatt.

Ah, well.

Because bananas grow on a non-woody plant, they can not be considered trees or shrubs. Thus, they are, in fact, herbs (commonly known as "spices"). The bananas we buy are genetically altered to be triploid, making the edible fruit much larger than normal, and the seeds are sterile.
They are simple fruits (unlike pineapples, which are multiple fruits, or raspberries, which are aggregates) and because the skin is formed from parts of the stem tissue, they can be considered accessory fruits. I am a banana, and my spoon is too big. No, really. Ha. Wait, what?

Mistakes.. we all (even me, but not often) make them.

So things I did in O Chem Lab today that I've never done before:
-Set up a vacuum distillation with no collecting beaker (thus no seal, no vacuum) and didn't turn the vacuum on.
-Tried to boil a round bottom on a mantle but forgot to turn the mantle on and stared at it challengingly wondering why it mocked me with its refusal to heat up.
-Showed up late.
-Poured organic waste down the drain. On purpose.
-Handled hot things or recently boiling glassware with my hands because I now know that I can handle that much heat (that part was fun, I totally looked like a badass- didn't flinch once)

Haha, so all in all after I made my requisite 3 mistakes... well 2 mistakes, one testimony to laziness and one conscious choice... I finally buckled down and did the damn experiment to get OUT OF THERE. And, even 20 minutes late to start, I was the third person out.

Damn I'm good in the lab, not gonna lie, I'm pretty impressive with that sort of multi-tasking.

Now, off to physical threapy and then a nap perhaps, so I can pull an all-nighter --sleeping schedule as it is, it shouldn't be ridiculously challenging, though I am getting old-- aaaand finish Senior Seminar. Maybe some coffee, a few sets of pushups to stay awake... hrm.

that's a puposeful comma at the end

How I know I have entirely too much going on inside my head: despite a cripplingly bad headache I've been dealing with since about 4:30 pm, I am still awake and sleepless the next morning at 1:30 sorting through thoughts and reading to silence those I don't want bursting my proverbial "it's Friday" bubble right now.

Pondering...life, not just life, but lost lives, friend's lives, my life, boots on the ground in Iraq, nuclear missiles, what's California like?, why is happiness so elusive and why can't I be one of those people who make their own, why haven't I really written or read anything of importance or literary value lately? everything I immerse myself in is cold hard science, just the way I like my days to be ruled, but I feel like a ball of left brained confusion right now.

Thiiiiis is exactly why I put my ass to bed before midnight and avoid late drinking binges (note: I am NOT currently drunk). I think too much. About my situation, about those who've graduated before me, about Dad and Will, and I ask questions. Why did I let myself be an underachiever? I often hear that I hold myself to impossibly high standards but no, that's not the case. I do have so much more potential than I let myself realize but for some reason I'm holding myself back. And I don't know if it's something I can control anymore or if falling short of my actual abilities is now an ingrained character flaw.

People change, don't they? Or is the saying that people don't change?

I've seen people change, slowly, and with much concerted effort. I lack the effort right now- I feel burnt out, but not like the candle's been burnt at both ends, more like the whole thing got put in a microwave and nuked on high. Ah, yes, I am a pile of wax... who's good at O Chem (but could be better!) And then there's this nagging feeling that I'm wasting what's left of my (relative to what is coming) carefree days by worrying, thinking, postulating...

Sleep beckons. Maybe,

I'm back.

Well it happened. The curse I've been avoiding for years- three of them, to be more on the money- finally hit me. I have 'senioritis.' I hate that overused, completely unspecific word, so I'll clairfy. I am sitting in bed and I do not, for anything at all, not even physical therapy, want to get up. Now, let's seperate this from laziness, they are not the same thing, I'm just having that 'no-reason-to-do-anything-at-all-right-now' lack of motivation that forces me to think, hey, those two lab write-ups that are due today, when are they really due, I mean, when do they absolutely HAVE to be in? And then I think to myself, well, not until 1300, so reasonably, I could start them at 1100 and be fine.
Fine, but not great. This is where As that I have become Bs that I don't want.
Procrastination sucks. I KNEW I should have dropped out of High School and gone to a Buddhist temple in Sri Lanka when I was a junior, and I wouldn't be facing this mess.

I'd be half-way to enlightenment by now.

Okay so anyway, my knee surgery went great if you consider a replaced ACL, a torn MCL and a half-torn barely salvaged sewn up medial meniscus. "great." Turns out this rugby player is benched. For like 6 months. Which may very well preclude me from playing in the national championships this year, which I don't even want to begin thinking about because it is beyond where I'm at right now. Currently, my mind is on being able to bend and straighten my knee, walk on it sans crutches and pain-free, and begin to use stairs again. Huh. Did I mention how much this sucks?

Uh, what else, home was nice, kind of, my Senior Seminar presentation is 9 days away and I am SO not ready yet (I will be, I will, I will....I hope?), and the Red Sox won the World Series so really, no matter what my weekend could not be looked down upon in any way.

More later.

There goes my left knee.

So it's been an interesting, emotionally trying, and extremely busy last few weeks. Apparently my boyfriend does know I exist. Apparently he reads my facebook closely enough to visit my blog. I am an asshole.



In other news, my MRI came back and the news is.... horrible! :)



Yeah, I have a complete acute tear of my ACL, a partial but severe tear of my MCL, and my medial meniscus is also torn. So, I do indeed have the "unhappy triad." It should be called the "miserable and frustratingly motion-limiting triad." I am scheduled to fly home this Wednesday, get surgery on Thursday, recover until that Tuesday, and fly back to school on Wednesday morning in order to make it to Organic Chemistry class, which, by the way, I have an A in. Yeah, my midterm grades are and A in OChem, A in Senior Seminar, B in Air Force (stupid memos) and an A in Dendrology and Silvics. Trees get annoying after a while.



The surgeon and various doctors told me I'll be in misery for 2 weeks and should be laid up and go nowhere. I said "how's 5 days?", cause that's my limit. I have to go to class, period, end of story, no argument. Of course the complete recovery time is 6-9 months, and that's not gonna work because I have to run a PT test and pass a level III flight physical before I can commission. Now, on my scheduled graduation/commissioning/pinning date of May 10th...which, let's do the math, means I have to get surgery NOW in order to have any chance in hell of making that date. What else...

Uhm, let's see, I'm swamped with paperwork, assignments, insurance claims, and of course my job... hmmm. Overall, I am not enjoying myself because of the injury- but being busy actually compensated by making me rather happy. And getting mail, too. That makes me happy. :)



Gotta get back to it...

Fidelitas...

MCATs came back.
Guess who could reasonably, but will NOT, apply to Medical School this year.
Me.

I promised myself for money's sake and time's sake (and the fact that I am wicked wicked wicked excited to start a career as an officer in the Air Force... handle my own finances, train in California, get my base assignment, and learn totally top-secret shit about nuclear missiles and space launches of sattelites) that if I did not earn a certain "guaranteed in" MCAT score, I'd say screw it and commission.

So I know what I'm going to be doing, and holy cow does it feel great. I'm doing what I've been training for and busting my ass working towards for literally 7 years. I'm going to be an Air Force officer and I'm going to be a missilier. (And then anywhere from 2-4 years in I'm going to reassess, decide how badly I still want Med School... and probably re-take my MCATs and apply...)

In other news, hopefully I don't go completely bat shit mad before I get there, cause they generally don't pin butter bars on crazy people. So, off to managing my research and ignoring the fact that my boyfriend no longer realizes I exist, because I'm really good at things like that.

What was that saying....? Oh yeah, such is life.

Such is Life

I find it interesting that I have no desire what-so-ever to go on long afternoon runs when I am fully able to do so. Now that the weather is perfect (just beginning to have mild morning frosts, cool if not chilly evenings and cloudless sunny days with nice breezes= perfect) I am DYING to go for a run... but the most I can manage is a somewhat painful, though thankfully crutchless (only due to my insubordination of any and all medical advice regarding those medieval torture devices) hobble down the hill to classes and back up innumerable stairs to my room.

This blows. I wake up, I do work, I go to class, I do labs/work/research, I pick plant specimens, I go to practice (where I watch, give advice and silently yearn to put my rugby boots back on), I go to work, I come home, do more homework, and then ice my knee and go to sleep. I'm always on it, and I tried to run the other day only to wake up this morning feeling like I was 3-days post injury again. I'd rather have a concussion, missing teeth, a broken nose AND a sprained back than a fucked up knee. And, oh, did I mention my MRI is not until October 4th thanks to the wonders of insufficient medical insurance.

On the bright side, my research on the neurofibrillary pathology and other neuritic dystrophies involved in the pathogenesis of Alzheimer's is coming along quite nicely. All of the recent stuff is showing a marked trend towards linking clinical symptoms with the microtubule associated protein TAU, rather than the traditional correlation involving beta-amyloid plaques. It mostly supports what my original goal was; prove that the old theory is wrrroooonnng. Now I need to find assays on a related disease model in animals.

On an unrelated note, my TB PPD skin test came back positive. I cursed, the nurse laughed, I cursed again, and then I scheduled a chest x-ray for the same day as my MRI. I will be exposed to magnets (well, one BIG magnet), and some ionizing radiation all in the same day. Maybe THEN I can convince someone to give me some Vicodin too, because no, this does not tickle, and motrin sucks.

.....c'est la vie!

Worst. Timing. EVER.

SO...there I was, must have been maybe at the 22 meter line on the pitch. Second half of the first game of the tournament, gusting winds, no sun, sideways rain... it was gorgeous rugby weather. I'm taking the ball into contact, I stiff-arm to my right, turn my body to the right to avoid a tackle, plant my left foot- a girl comes in to make a tackle and the last thing I saw was her shoulder hitting my left knee, and then CRACK SNAP SNAP SNAP, and I'm on the turf screaming bloody murder.
Never been in so much pain in my life. Literally. So, the one thing above all that pisses me off, probably more than my commission being in (a little bit of) danger, is that this is my Fall seasion of my Senior year. MY SENIOR YEAR. This is my year! I took credits off of my schedule for this year, so I can be a great rugby player on the best team in the Northeast...I know they can do it without me, of course we can- but I want to play so badly.

What the fuck, man. I'm a safe player. I get stepped on, and I get a sore back, and I get kicked, headbutted, but so does everyone else. And we recover. This is my knee. I walk on it and whatnot. It's far more integral to my playing than a hand or a measley back muscle.

I have an outline to write. :(

How does this show up 2 days after the Rugby game??

My lower back is sprained. Sprained. As in, I laid down (laid, lied, was lying....whatever) on my stomach last night and asked a friend to help me relax the muscles which were bunched so tightly at the time that I was starting to have a hard time of moving. So he put some pressure on my lower back, and at the time, it felt great. Things were coming un-locked, great.

He left, and I could not get off the floor. Could. Not. Excruciating pain each time I tried- everything was locked up. I LITERALLY had to roll over onto my back (very painful) and use a squirming motion with my arms to reach the door, where I popped my head into the hallway, supine as I was, and waited until someone came out of their room to help me. Allow yourself to picture my head on the floor in the hallway, turning from left to right, praying fervently that someone needed to use the bathroom or throw something in the trash... and like 5 of the India Company kids came to my rescue. They were awesome.

Two vicodins and three muscle relaxers later, I was out like a light, but still unable to move. As luck would have it, I can walk this morning. Slowly, painfully, and crooked- but I got to class. Now if you'll please excuse me while I go get this fixed by some people who know what they're doing.

Resin ducts are a waste storage system in the Conifers which allows them to live longer.

Finally, evidence that 30 grand a year is paying off.

Something monumental happened for me today.

For the first time in years, I had concrete, incontrovertible evidence that I have, indeed, gotten smarter. Not that I've learned something- learning and becoming 'smarter' or 'more intelligent' are two different things (in my opinion.) Learning is the acquisition of knowledge; you can get that from books, nearly anyone can do it. To foster growth of one's intellect, on the other hand, takes time, focus, and experience. So what happened? Well, no one inparticular, I'll tell you.
I looked a friend in the eye, and, knowing full and well I would be able to assist them, told them to come to me if they needed help in Chemistry.

!!!! I know, right?! Let me explain. I took basic high school chemistry twice. I got a C, and the second time a B. I repeated it not only for grade replacement but because I did not understand the material to my satisfaction. AP Chemistry was the ONLY course in High School that I got a D in, and the only AP test I did not earn credits from taking.
I took basic Chemistry 101/102 last year as a junior, and got a D then a B. I re-took the first half and earned an A. In short, it has taken me 8 semesters and close to seven years to finally, FINALLY, be so comfortable with Chemistry that I am SURE I can tutor/teach someone else who is struggling.

To me, that's progress. And I am so happy!

Now maybe someday I can conquer my three remaining subject holdouts: History, Geography, and Physics. (ew.)

In other news my left hand is not broken, but I do not appear to have a ring-finger knuckle (it is popped back and in somehow) and I have limited motion- it's moving oddly. Hm...appears to be healing this way. Ah, well, I only really need it to reach the "s-d-x" letters on the keyboard. I shall compensate.

Hydrangea paniculata, the "Pee-gee" Hydrangea, is native to Japan and China but is widely cultivated in the Northeast. It can be identified by it's slightly conical bloom heads of 4-merous white flowers, and the fact that it's leaf arrangement changes from "opposite" to "whorled" as you reach the branch tops!

yeaaaaaahhhhhhsssssss I love this game!

Rugby game was sweet. Scored my first try. Must run more. Left hand possibly broken so typing only with right, we beat Vermont Law like...I dont know how many we scored it was in the area of 50-70 points- to zero. Very nice, can't wait for season, shower time now. :)

A few things.

Okay, so, justification for the existence of this blog/journal/streamofconsciousnessdumpingspot:
And yes, I do have to justify this thing because at a school such as mine any sort of online expression other than drunken pictures on Facebook is generally looked down upon. But hey, I do have drunken pictures on Facebook, 'n' that's just me stickin' it to the man.

Right, back to what I was saying. I've had livejournals, xangas, and even a myspace I posted on. I simply never kept up with any of them once Norwich started. Too much to do, not enough time to think about anything other than what was directly in front of me...and if I did, I sure as hell didn't have time to write it down.

Well I'm about 8 months away from "real life" descending upon me like the fury of God, so all things considered, I believe it wise to create an outlet for my exploits/thoughts again. And to actively think about things other than how useless parade practice is and what uniform I need to wash and when my next briefing is due. Things like life. And Sudan. And the entire concept behind nursing homes, seeing as how I work at one and my discontent with the healthcare system is evolving from a removed disinterest to an indignant "WTF?"

So, here it is. My online thing where sometimes I write stuff, and occasionally use vague and unimpressive vocabulary words. And no, I won't be doing any math (...eli.) But I will be discussing numerous disease processes, cool chemistry facts and a thing here or there about trees.

The Eastern White Pine, Pinus strobus, is the only member of it's genus that has furrowed bark rathern than platy-scaly bark.

I have three minutes to have my ass in a seat in Organic Chemistry.
My professor is Russian, you do not piss her off.
More later?

Yeah-