well fuck it, i was right wasn't i.

Shitty flight. Cell phone lost/stolen/whatever. Car towed, for which I paid $260. And when I get back, I am so pissed off and exhausted and depressed that I just pass out. The one person I would have really liked to talk to was nowhere to be found and didn't find it important enough to talk to me even after 2 days of no communication. So I slept. Because I hate this miserable place. And I hate my empty room. And I hate it all even more when it's juxtaposed to how wonderful Florida was.

I can't wait to graduate but I can barely bring myself to do the requisite work to get there. I woke up today and got some work done, and went to lay down for a quick bit and instead ended up sleeping through everything. Clearly, my mind was saying something. I would rather lie in bed than face my miserable existence here. And I have no one. For once, I feel as though I am completely alone up here. I had my mom and Jeff and Kim and my friends... and now, I have no rookbuddies in the same building, and my rugby friends don't really talk to me anymore...I've distanced myself from my network of support and for completely fucked up reasons, and now my reasons are gone and I am alone. Completely alone.

Wow. The tables have really turned. So I'm getting work done. And I'm trying to make strong resolutions because if I let this pervasive misery swallow me, I'll never get out of this place alive, let alone with a degree. I'm making someone wake me up for formation so I can't sleep through my life. And after I wake up for that, I'm either sitting at my desk to work or I'm PTing. And it's a good thing because starting next week I go back to Air Force PT, because my knee will be "better."

And as far as class goes, I don't know what else to do. I've made up all of my work. Now I suppose it's all studying. That's what my life feels like here. I wake up, go to class (or not go to class and catch up on work), I answer e-mails, prep teaching materials for hours, do O Chem for hours, and then when I'm done... there's nothing to do. I'm never really done though, even in my free time this oppressive weight sits on my shoulders and taunts me. And I burn out, and the depression takes over, and I have to face where my life is and how it got there, and then I sleep. Because I can't handle it. Because I fucked it all up by allowing myself to indulge and get emotionally attached, because I have no will power, and because I can't listen to my instincts when they are telling me that something is wrong.

Listening to Sara Bareilles. Good song, #7: Between the Lines. A few favorite lines:

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way...

The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be
this many times...

Queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails...

You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines...

I thought was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all...

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
"Wait for me, I'm almost ready"
When he meant let go.