It's almost humorous, to look at my last post and think I was under the impression things could go well for a while with nothing going wrong. Well, so much for that.
I'm listening to Joshua Radin, and I remember how much I used to love his stuff, back in high school...I'm so glad I got his album. Good stuff. And other than that I've been busy. Working, school, thinking, starting to work out and run again...etc. etc.
Not so much running, more like lightly jogging. My knee still briskly objects to running.
I'm not even going to pretend to small talk to my blog. Fuck it right. I hate this place. I used to love Norwich. I can no longer find enough redeeming traits here to keep me even remotely interested in the soul-sucking landscape. And trust me, I'm trying.
And also. I've discovered a few things about myself. Some which are slightly unnerving. I'm a sucker for pain. I mean really. It's like if things are going well for too long, I have to look for issues...and more often than not, they will crop up on their own. It's almost half voluntary and half involuntary, but the whole perception of the events precipitating could not be complete without both elements. And it is effective.
I am also not interesting anymore. I haven't read anything new. Or drawn. Or written. There is not anything special about me currently, I'm just another person in a grey uniform wandering around, trying to make it to graduation without completely falling apart.
I will attach myself to someone and run myself into the ground trying to make things work. Trying to explain myself. Trying to look around issues. But they always, like I said, crop up. But I will cling, hoping that I am enough, that I can fix things, that I can make it better. I couldn't the first time, or the second time, or the third time, and certainly, I am not enough now. Maybe I cannot clearly explain what's going on. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what it is to be loved. Either way I'm not sure if I am cut out for it. Certainly when I was 13 and sure I was going to be so into my career at 21 that I would not need a man or want children... I had something there. I only wish I still felt that way. That way the obvious absence and lack of ability to obtain these things wouldn't sting so much. But I am speaking from a certain emotional place, one that is a bit darker than normal, and quite pessimistic, and decidedly unsunny in comparison to my last post.
Every time you close a door and nothing opens in it's place, you've wasted.
My family is way ahead of me. Wow, hey, look at Tamara, first one to graduate college, first one to get a degree, she's smart, she can write so well...
kay. right. let me tell you how it feels to be me. it. feels. stagnating.
So. I will always wish that I can hold a man's attention. And I will always wish that I am lovable. And I will always wish I could call my father and hear him say, just one more time, how proud he is of me. Because for some reason once you pass the age of 18 people no longer think it's important to remind you. I will always want to be more productive, and less scattered, and more focused or physically fit. And come of these things are within my control, and some of them are not. But it's the knowledge that I find these things impossible to hang on to for longer than a few months that tortures me. Because I know that every time I feel happiness, and achievement, and that high that comes from being out of the tunnel and into the light, there will be another longer and darker tunnel ahead of me. Maybe not always. I hope not, anyway.
Maybe 21 years isn't enough to determine a pattern. But when your family members live to their 40s or 60s...you start to wonder.
Is this it?
08 February 2008
11 November 2007
Lazy Sunday.
So. Things are going really, really well right now.
Like, oddly well. I've made a conscious decision to stop fighting it and just go with it. Things can be going this well for a while with nothing really bad happening, right?
Anyway, I'm walking well now, sans brace...still got to work on my flexion, but other than that I'm doing wonderful with PT and recovery. Chris had his last day of chemo on Friday!!!!! So happy AND happy for him- it's been a very long time coming. Very long. And, oh yeah, WE'RE GOING TO NATIONALS!! The Norwich University Women's Rugby Football Club are Northeast Champions, earning- through sweat and dedication- the NE's only seed in the Division II National Championship. Maybe they'll finally move us up to Div I soon, so we can take this program to the next level and play Harvard, Navy, Army and Penn State.
And fuck. Them. Up. Yes.
Can't wait to get back on the pitch. The only downside to anything right now is my limited ability to work out. I've got a program worked out for this coming week which involves jump-rope (on one foot, thereby kind of doubling the cardio workout haha), and I can begin to cycle, so we'll see how that goes. Also, the pool beckons as does the pull-up bar and CORE STRENGTH exercises, which I will do just for fun cause....they're fun. :) I miss the gym, and now I can justify going (finding the time will be the issue, naturally).
I need to go shopping. It has only recently occurred to me that I am months away from entering the Real World, and despite the obvious simplicity of wearing a uniform to work...I don't plan on the Air Force being my only job. Volunteering, interviews, and "business casual" work-related tasks will undoubtedly be a part of my life, and my wardrobe still screams "I GO TO COLLEGE AND I AM AN INDIVIDUAL." So that means, of course, I have to do WHAT when I get back from Thanksgiving Break in 2 weeks?
Yeah, that's right. I have to go back to work. Greeaaatt.
Ah, well.
Because bananas grow on a non-woody plant, they can not be considered trees or shrubs. Thus, they are, in fact, herbs (commonly known as "spices"). The bananas we buy are genetically altered to be triploid, making the edible fruit much larger than normal, and the seeds are sterile.
They are simple fruits (unlike pineapples, which are multiple fruits, or raspberries, which are aggregates) and because the skin is formed from parts of the stem tissue, they can be considered accessory fruits. I am a banana, and my spoon is too big. No, really. Ha. Wait, what?
Like, oddly well. I've made a conscious decision to stop fighting it and just go with it. Things can be going this well for a while with nothing really bad happening, right?
Anyway, I'm walking well now, sans brace...still got to work on my flexion, but other than that I'm doing wonderful with PT and recovery. Chris had his last day of chemo on Friday!!!!! So happy AND happy for him- it's been a very long time coming. Very long. And, oh yeah, WE'RE GOING TO NATIONALS!! The Norwich University Women's Rugby Football Club are Northeast Champions, earning- through sweat and dedication- the NE's only seed in the Division II National Championship. Maybe they'll finally move us up to Div I soon, so we can take this program to the next level and play Harvard, Navy, Army and Penn State.
And fuck. Them. Up. Yes.
Can't wait to get back on the pitch. The only downside to anything right now is my limited ability to work out. I've got a program worked out for this coming week which involves jump-rope (on one foot, thereby kind of doubling the cardio workout haha), and I can begin to cycle, so we'll see how that goes. Also, the pool beckons as does the pull-up bar and CORE STRENGTH exercises, which I will do just for fun cause....they're fun. :) I miss the gym, and now I can justify going (finding the time will be the issue, naturally).
I need to go shopping. It has only recently occurred to me that I am months away from entering the Real World, and despite the obvious simplicity of wearing a uniform to work...I don't plan on the Air Force being my only job. Volunteering, interviews, and "business casual" work-related tasks will undoubtedly be a part of my life, and my wardrobe still screams "I GO TO COLLEGE AND I AM AN INDIVIDUAL." So that means, of course, I have to do WHAT when I get back from Thanksgiving Break in 2 weeks?
Yeah, that's right. I have to go back to work. Greeaaatt.
Ah, well.
Because bananas grow on a non-woody plant, they can not be considered trees or shrubs. Thus, they are, in fact, herbs (commonly known as "spices"). The bananas we buy are genetically altered to be triploid, making the edible fruit much larger than normal, and the seeds are sterile.
They are simple fruits (unlike pineapples, which are multiple fruits, or raspberries, which are aggregates) and because the skin is formed from parts of the stem tissue, they can be considered accessory fruits. I am a banana, and my spoon is too big. No, really. Ha. Wait, what?
07 November 2007
Mistakes.. we all (even me, but not often) make them.
So things I did in O Chem Lab today that I've never done before:
-Set up a vacuum distillation with no collecting beaker (thus no seal, no vacuum) and didn't turn the vacuum on.
-Tried to boil a round bottom on a mantle but forgot to turn the mantle on and stared at it challengingly wondering why it mocked me with its refusal to heat up.
-Showed up late.
-Poured organic waste down the drain. On purpose.
-Handled hot things or recently boiling glassware with my hands because I now know that I can handle that much heat (that part was fun, I totally looked like a badass- didn't flinch once)
Haha, so all in all after I made my requisite 3 mistakes... well 2 mistakes, one testimony to laziness and one conscious choice... I finally buckled down and did the damn experiment to get OUT OF THERE. And, even 20 minutes late to start, I was the third person out.
Damn I'm good in the lab, not gonna lie, I'm pretty impressive with that sort of multi-tasking.
Now, off to physical threapy and then a nap perhaps, so I can pull an all-nighter --sleeping schedule as it is, it shouldn't be ridiculously challenging, though I am getting old-- aaaand finish Senior Seminar. Maybe some coffee, a few sets of pushups to stay awake... hrm.
-Set up a vacuum distillation with no collecting beaker (thus no seal, no vacuum) and didn't turn the vacuum on.
-Tried to boil a round bottom on a mantle but forgot to turn the mantle on and stared at it challengingly wondering why it mocked me with its refusal to heat up.
-Showed up late.
-Poured organic waste down the drain. On purpose.
-Handled hot things or recently boiling glassware with my hands because I now know that I can handle that much heat (that part was fun, I totally looked like a badass- didn't flinch once)
Haha, so all in all after I made my requisite 3 mistakes... well 2 mistakes, one testimony to laziness and one conscious choice... I finally buckled down and did the damn experiment to get OUT OF THERE. And, even 20 minutes late to start, I was the third person out.
Damn I'm good in the lab, not gonna lie, I'm pretty impressive with that sort of multi-tasking.
Now, off to physical threapy and then a nap perhaps, so I can pull an all-nighter --sleeping schedule as it is, it shouldn't be ridiculously challenging, though I am getting old-- aaaand finish Senior Seminar. Maybe some coffee, a few sets of pushups to stay awake... hrm.
02 November 2007
that's a puposeful comma at the end
How I know I have entirely too much going on inside my head: despite a cripplingly bad headache I've been dealing with since about 4:30 pm, I am still awake and sleepless the next morning at 1:30 sorting through thoughts and reading to silence those I don't want bursting my proverbial "it's Friday" bubble right now.
Pondering...life, not just life, but lost lives, friend's lives, my life, boots on the ground in Iraq, nuclear missiles, what's California like?, why is happiness so elusive and why can't I be one of those people who make their own, why haven't I really written or read anything of importance or literary value lately? everything I immerse myself in is cold hard science, just the way I like my days to be ruled, but I feel like a ball of left brained confusion right now.
Thiiiiis is exactly why I put my ass to bed before midnight and avoid late drinking binges (note: I am NOT currently drunk). I think too much. About my situation, about those who've graduated before me, about Dad and Will, and I ask questions. Why did I let myself be an underachiever? I often hear that I hold myself to impossibly high standards but no, that's not the case. I do have so much more potential than I let myself realize but for some reason I'm holding myself back. And I don't know if it's something I can control anymore or if falling short of my actual abilities is now an ingrained character flaw.
People change, don't they? Or is the saying that people don't change?
I've seen people change, slowly, and with much concerted effort. I lack the effort right now- I feel burnt out, but not like the candle's been burnt at both ends, more like the whole thing got put in a microwave and nuked on high. Ah, yes, I am a pile of wax... who's good at O Chem (but could be better!) And then there's this nagging feeling that I'm wasting what's left of my (relative to what is coming) carefree days by worrying, thinking, postulating...
Sleep beckons. Maybe,
Pondering...life, not just life, but lost lives, friend's lives, my life, boots on the ground in Iraq, nuclear missiles, what's California like?, why is happiness so elusive and why can't I be one of those people who make their own, why haven't I really written or read anything of importance or literary value lately? everything I immerse myself in is cold hard science, just the way I like my days to be ruled, but I feel like a ball of left brained confusion right now.
Thiiiiis is exactly why I put my ass to bed before midnight and avoid late drinking binges (note: I am NOT currently drunk). I think too much. About my situation, about those who've graduated before me, about Dad and Will, and I ask questions. Why did I let myself be an underachiever? I often hear that I hold myself to impossibly high standards but no, that's not the case. I do have so much more potential than I let myself realize but for some reason I'm holding myself back. And I don't know if it's something I can control anymore or if falling short of my actual abilities is now an ingrained character flaw.
People change, don't they? Or is the saying that people don't change?
I've seen people change, slowly, and with much concerted effort. I lack the effort right now- I feel burnt out, but not like the candle's been burnt at both ends, more like the whole thing got put in a microwave and nuked on high. Ah, yes, I am a pile of wax... who's good at O Chem (but could be better!) And then there's this nagging feeling that I'm wasting what's left of my (relative to what is coming) carefree days by worrying, thinking, postulating...
Sleep beckons. Maybe,
31 October 2007
I'm back.
Well it happened. The curse I've been avoiding for years- three of them, to be more on the money- finally hit me. I have 'senioritis.' I hate that overused, completely unspecific word, so I'll clairfy. I am sitting in bed and I do not, for anything at all, not even physical therapy, want to get up. Now, let's seperate this from laziness, they are not the same thing, I'm just having that 'no-reason-to-do-anything-at-all-right-now' lack of motivation that forces me to think, hey, those two lab write-ups that are due today, when are they really due, I mean, when do they absolutely HAVE to be in? And then I think to myself, well, not until 1300, so reasonably, I could start them at 1100 and be fine.
Fine, but not great. This is where As that I have become Bs that I don't want.
Procrastination sucks. I KNEW I should have dropped out of High School and gone to a Buddhist temple in Sri Lanka when I was a junior, and I wouldn't be facing this mess.
I'd be half-way to enlightenment by now.
Okay so anyway, my knee surgery went great if you consider a replaced ACL, a torn MCL and a half-torn barely salvaged sewn up medial meniscus. "great." Turns out this rugby player is benched. For like 6 months. Which may very well preclude me from playing in the national championships this year, which I don't even want to begin thinking about because it is beyond where I'm at right now. Currently, my mind is on being able to bend and straighten my knee, walk on it sans crutches and pain-free, and begin to use stairs again. Huh. Did I mention how much this sucks?
Uh, what else, home was nice, kind of, my Senior Seminar presentation is 9 days away and I am SO not ready yet (I will be, I will, I will....I hope?), and the Red Sox won the World Series so really, no matter what my weekend could not be looked down upon in any way.
More later.
Fine, but not great. This is where As that I have become Bs that I don't want.
Procrastination sucks. I KNEW I should have dropped out of High School and gone to a Buddhist temple in Sri Lanka when I was a junior, and I wouldn't be facing this mess.
I'd be half-way to enlightenment by now.
Okay so anyway, my knee surgery went great if you consider a replaced ACL, a torn MCL and a half-torn barely salvaged sewn up medial meniscus. "great." Turns out this rugby player is benched. For like 6 months. Which may very well preclude me from playing in the national championships this year, which I don't even want to begin thinking about because it is beyond where I'm at right now. Currently, my mind is on being able to bend and straighten my knee, walk on it sans crutches and pain-free, and begin to use stairs again. Huh. Did I mention how much this sucks?
Uh, what else, home was nice, kind of, my Senior Seminar presentation is 9 days away and I am SO not ready yet (I will be, I will, I will....I hope?), and the Red Sox won the World Series so really, no matter what my weekend could not be looked down upon in any way.
More later.
13 October 2007
There goes my left knee.
So it's been an interesting, emotionally trying, and extremely busy last few weeks. Apparently my boyfriend does know I exist. Apparently he reads my facebook closely enough to visit my blog. I am an asshole.
In other news, my MRI came back and the news is.... horrible! :)
Yeah, I have a complete acute tear of my ACL, a partial but severe tear of my MCL, and my medial meniscus is also torn. So, I do indeed have the "unhappy triad." It should be called the "miserable and frustratingly motion-limiting triad." I am scheduled to fly home this Wednesday, get surgery on Thursday, recover until that Tuesday, and fly back to school on Wednesday morning in order to make it to Organic Chemistry class, which, by the way, I have an A in. Yeah, my midterm grades are and A in OChem, A in Senior Seminar, B in Air Force (stupid memos) and an A in Dendrology and Silvics. Trees get annoying after a while.
The surgeon and various doctors told me I'll be in misery for 2 weeks and should be laid up and go nowhere. I said "how's 5 days?", cause that's my limit. I have to go to class, period, end of story, no argument. Of course the complete recovery time is 6-9 months, and that's not gonna work because I have to run a PT test and pass a level III flight physical before I can commission. Now, on my scheduled graduation/commissioning/pinning date of May 10th...which, let's do the math, means I have to get surgery NOW in order to have any chance in hell of making that date. What else...
Uhm, let's see, I'm swamped with paperwork, assignments, insurance claims, and of course my job... hmmm. Overall, I am not enjoying myself because of the injury- but being busy actually compensated by making me rather happy. And getting mail, too. That makes me happy. :)
Gotta get back to it...
In other news, my MRI came back and the news is.... horrible! :)
Yeah, I have a complete acute tear of my ACL, a partial but severe tear of my MCL, and my medial meniscus is also torn. So, I do indeed have the "unhappy triad." It should be called the "miserable and frustratingly motion-limiting triad." I am scheduled to fly home this Wednesday, get surgery on Thursday, recover until that Tuesday, and fly back to school on Wednesday morning in order to make it to Organic Chemistry class, which, by the way, I have an A in. Yeah, my midterm grades are and A in OChem, A in Senior Seminar, B in Air Force (stupid memos) and an A in Dendrology and Silvics. Trees get annoying after a while.
The surgeon and various doctors told me I'll be in misery for 2 weeks and should be laid up and go nowhere. I said "how's 5 days?", cause that's my limit. I have to go to class, period, end of story, no argument. Of course the complete recovery time is 6-9 months, and that's not gonna work because I have to run a PT test and pass a level III flight physical before I can commission. Now, on my scheduled graduation/commissioning/pinning date of May 10th...which, let's do the math, means I have to get surgery NOW in order to have any chance in hell of making that date. What else...
Uhm, let's see, I'm swamped with paperwork, assignments, insurance claims, and of course my job... hmmm. Overall, I am not enjoying myself because of the injury- but being busy actually compensated by making me rather happy. And getting mail, too. That makes me happy. :)
Gotta get back to it...
01 October 2007
Fidelitas...
MCATs came back.
Guess who could reasonably, but will NOT, apply to Medical School this year.
Me.
I promised myself for money's sake and time's sake (and the fact that I am wicked wicked wicked excited to start a career as an officer in the Air Force... handle my own finances, train in California, get my base assignment, and learn totally top-secret shit about nuclear missiles and space launches of sattelites) that if I did not earn a certain "guaranteed in" MCAT score, I'd say screw it and commission.
So I know what I'm going to be doing, and holy cow does it feel great. I'm doing what I've been training for and busting my ass working towards for literally 7 years. I'm going to be an Air Force officer and I'm going to be a missilier. (And then anywhere from 2-4 years in I'm going to reassess, decide how badly I still want Med School... and probably re-take my MCATs and apply...)
In other news, hopefully I don't go completely bat shit mad before I get there, cause they generally don't pin butter bars on crazy people. So, off to managing my research and ignoring the fact that my boyfriend no longer realizes I exist, because I'm really good at things like that.
What was that saying....? Oh yeah, such is life.
Guess who could reasonably, but will NOT, apply to Medical School this year.
Me.
I promised myself for money's sake and time's sake (and the fact that I am wicked wicked wicked excited to start a career as an officer in the Air Force... handle my own finances, train in California, get my base assignment, and learn totally top-secret shit about nuclear missiles and space launches of sattelites) that if I did not earn a certain "guaranteed in" MCAT score, I'd say screw it and commission.
So I know what I'm going to be doing, and holy cow does it feel great. I'm doing what I've been training for and busting my ass working towards for literally 7 years. I'm going to be an Air Force officer and I'm going to be a missilier. (And then anywhere from 2-4 years in I'm going to reassess, decide how badly I still want Med School... and probably re-take my MCATs and apply...)
In other news, hopefully I don't go completely bat shit mad before I get there, cause they generally don't pin butter bars on crazy people. So, off to managing my research and ignoring the fact that my boyfriend no longer realizes I exist, because I'm really good at things like that.
What was that saying....? Oh yeah, such is life.
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