How I know I have entirely too much going on inside my head: despite a cripplingly bad headache I've been dealing with since about 4:30 pm, I am still awake and sleepless the next morning at 1:30 sorting through thoughts and reading to silence those I don't want bursting my proverbial "it's Friday" bubble right now.
Pondering...life, not just life, but lost lives, friend's lives, my life, boots on the ground in Iraq, nuclear missiles, what's California like?, why is happiness so elusive and why can't I be one of those people who make their own, why haven't I really written or read anything of importance or literary value lately? everything I immerse myself in is cold hard science, just the way I like my days to be ruled, but I feel like a ball of left brained confusion right now.
Thiiiiis is exactly why I put my ass to bed before midnight and avoid late drinking binges (note: I am NOT currently drunk). I think too much. About my situation, about those who've graduated before me, about Dad and Will, and I ask questions. Why did I let myself be an underachiever? I often hear that I hold myself to impossibly high standards but no, that's not the case. I do have so much more potential than I let myself realize but for some reason I'm holding myself back. And I don't know if it's something I can control anymore or if falling short of my actual abilities is now an ingrained character flaw.
People change, don't they? Or is the saying that people don't change?
I've seen people change, slowly, and with much concerted effort. I lack the effort right now- I feel burnt out, but not like the candle's been burnt at both ends, more like the whole thing got put in a microwave and nuked on high. Ah, yes, I am a pile of wax... who's good at O Chem (but could be better!) And then there's this nagging feeling that I'm wasting what's left of my (relative to what is coming) carefree days by worrying, thinking, postulating...
Sleep beckons. Maybe,
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