So. I've come to the conclusion that Saturday Night Live is about as funny as cancer. Really, I mean, the acting is horrible, and the whole show is basically commercials with four skits and two (often shitty) musical breaks in between. And then, during the commercials, they make little cut-backs to what's going on 'behind the scenes,' which tricks you into thinking the show is coming back on- and when you realize it's not, you're almost a little let down. And then you remember: the show is crap, so why would I care? I'd rather watch the same seven commercials over and over again than see one more horrible costume change or overacting 'comedian.' Who writes this shit? Do they sit in a little board room with a special humor-proof door all week and pat each-other on the backs over their crappy skits, which they clearly must read over and over again until the shit sounds funny.
I'm just saying. It's not.
OH! And while I'm on the topic of how much TV lets me down (no wonder I hardly watch it), I was really looking forward to seeing the Discovery Channel's new series on The Human Body: Pushing the Limits. It looked good. Nice previews. Unfortunately, they dumb down the intracacies of the physiology so much it's just barely enjoyable for me. They keep using words like "special chemicals" (when referring to sodium, calcium and potassium among other things) and ambiguous, almost incorrect terms like "a layer of fat" (when speaking about myelin on nerves with saltatory conduction). Certainly they don't need to get into crazy details like actin and myosin, but would it kill you to call the "strands" of muscle-fibers "myofibrils"? Say "sarcomere," call the "glands" which release ADRENALine "ADRENAL glands!" Christ! Teach the 'uneducated' masses new words, that's what you're here for! It's the freaking Discovery Channel, not the Discover a Little but Only As Much as We Think You Freak Idiots Can Handle Channel.
I'm just saying.

Anyway, I get on a plane in 6 hours to head back to Boston and then drive 3 hours back to school. And fuck me sideways, I forgot I had a brief and a midterm counseling to do tomorrow so I had to reschedule them (though I completed the powerpoint, I won't be back in time.) Going back, with everything I have to do, is not going to be a cake-walk. I certainly have my work cut out for me. But I'm ready for it- I'm rejuvenated. I think...
AND I finished all of my assignments which are due when I get back, which means I'm caught up in Organic Chemistry. The Next Challenge is keeping up.

Well. On that note. Sleep.

No freakin' way

So, Spring Break.
For most college kids my age, Spring Break- especially the last one before graduation- is a time to let loose and party. Get drunk. See young girls flash body parts in exotic locations like Cancun, SouthBeach, or on expensive cruises. A time to reconnect with other college buddies for one last hurrah before we buckle down to get those elusive degrees.
Well, good for those college kids, but I am not one of them. No, I'm much more boring.
Why drink so much that your break passes you by in a mix of drunken stupors and blackouts, or imbibe so much that your body hates you and you gain ten pounds?

Here's my Spring Break. I've gotten up no earlier than 10:00AM every day. I've gone to the beach, like, once. I've laid out at my local pool a few times and I have a nice tan. I'm re-teaching myself how to eat because I've taken up vegitarianism (www.GoVeg.com great site!). I've lost about 8 lbs. I go running or walking pretty much every day. I open the doors in the house and let the pristine breeze and perfect weather in. I go to Barnes and Noble and read. I read!! I haven't had time to read in forever!
I've gotten a pedicure, and my mom touched up my hair color and cut (it has a little accidental red in it now, though I hear that will fade...don't worry, my Mom IS a professional.) I'm spending time with old friends, my cousin, and best of all- my mother and brother and sister. I'm reconnecting with my family. I'm getting overdue work done and getting ahead on my lesson prepping for my job with Kaplan so I can further reduce my stress when I get back. I'm relaxing. I'm having, quite possibly, the best time I've had in a long time.

This is SO NICE! I feel completely de-stressed and I can tell everywhere and in everything I do. I'm in a better mood, I'm happier, I have more energy, I don't have food cravings or eat crap, I feel stronger, my complexion has improved, my hair and skin feel better, I'm more patient, more pleasant in general, and I don't even dread going back up to school. Man, was this ever the break I needed. I feel so rejuvenated-nothing can take this away.

Tonight I go to the Improv downtown with my brother and my sister-in-law. Yay! I'm so excited! And I'll get to wear one of my new outfits...oh, yeah I forgot to mention I went shopping. At the Boca Mall. I hit up 4 stores- Express, J. Crew, The Gap, and Victoria's Secret. I spent, well, let's just say I have some new credit card bills... but I got AWESOME new work clothes, and even some clothes for fun. Some favorites are my new bikini, my flowy white skirt and navy blue bermuda shorts from J. Crew, and this little black dress and high-waisted business skirt from Express. Yes, that's right, my hips are finally slim enough and my stomach flat enough that I can wear high-waisted skirts and look GOOD in them. FINALLY! So long coming. Whew.

Well I'm sure I've sickened the reader enough with my unwavering happiness. Don't worry, I'm sure my next entry will be due to a reality check of some sort. Ah... such is life.

Check this link about a 17-month old who started reading at 13 months: (My kids will read sooner. Just saying.)

http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&brand=&vid=c044d322-a4f6-4a38-925a-12d01ef81fb8

Hey hey look what I did

Fun facts of the day:
If you go to a logging site, there will not be signs bearing warnings about unsafe areas. You are on your own to figure that shit out.

If you get the sap of a balsam fir on your ass/person/clothes/BDUs, it will not come off in the wash cycle, or the dryer, or from direct scrubbing.

I know this because upon sitting on a recently harvested stand of firs, the resin blisters exploded on the seat of my pants. Which sounds, incidentally, much more disgusting than it actually is.
The outcome... is simply that my ass smelled like Christmas Trees all day.
So now, after a good wash, the seat of my uniform pants... still smells like Christmas Trees. Thus the scent, quite literally, follows me around all day. Pleasant but occasionally disconcerting.

Also...isn't it interesting the way we personify our electronics? They've become such a part of our daily lives that a phrase like "My computer died" is met with condolences. However, for some reason the phrase "My (insert malfunctioning electronic here) took a shit on me," which has become a commonly used staple in my vernacular, is still met with sideways looks and sarcastic remarks on the literal interpretation of the phrase. To which I respond, come on guys, too easy. Really. Put in some effort.

I made some worthwhile poetry this evening. It would figure on my creative streak that I have HOURS of legit work ahead of me. Physiology is so goddamn interesting it makes me literally giddy with glee. In class if the Prof, who is (on a sidenote) an incredibly intelligent, interesting, remarkably demanding and DETAIL-ORIENTED woman, starts to cover something I have a resovoir of knowledge about (which is reasonably often) I can barely stay in my seat. I practically have to physically restrain myself from jumping up and screaming something like "YEAH! And the botulinum toxin type A is what they use in cosmetic botox but it's a particular isoform because the toxin is the most toxic protein that exists!!! Freakin' SWEET!"

Cause uh, generally that kind of enthusiasm is frowned upon. For some reason. Donno. Whatever.

i hope not

It's almost humorous, to look at my last post and think I was under the impression things could go well for a while with nothing going wrong. Well, so much for that.
I'm listening to Joshua Radin, and I remember how much I used to love his stuff, back in high school...I'm so glad I got his album. Good stuff. And other than that I've been busy. Working, school, thinking, starting to work out and run again...etc. etc.

Not so much running, more like lightly jogging. My knee still briskly objects to running.

I'm not even going to pretend to small talk to my blog. Fuck it right. I hate this place. I used to love Norwich. I can no longer find enough redeeming traits here to keep me even remotely interested in the soul-sucking landscape. And trust me, I'm trying.

And also. I've discovered a few things about myself. Some which are slightly unnerving. I'm a sucker for pain. I mean really. It's like if things are going well for too long, I have to look for issues...and more often than not, they will crop up on their own. It's almost half voluntary and half involuntary, but the whole perception of the events precipitating could not be complete without both elements. And it is effective.

I am also not interesting anymore. I haven't read anything new. Or drawn. Or written. There is not anything special about me currently, I'm just another person in a grey uniform wandering around, trying to make it to graduation without completely falling apart.

I will attach myself to someone and run myself into the ground trying to make things work. Trying to explain myself. Trying to look around issues. But they always, like I said, crop up. But I will cling, hoping that I am enough, that I can fix things, that I can make it better. I couldn't the first time, or the second time, or the third time, and certainly, I am not enough now. Maybe I cannot clearly explain what's going on. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what it is to be loved. Either way I'm not sure if I am cut out for it. Certainly when I was 13 and sure I was going to be so into my career at 21 that I would not need a man or want children... I had something there. I only wish I still felt that way. That way the obvious absence and lack of ability to obtain these things wouldn't sting so much. But I am speaking from a certain emotional place, one that is a bit darker than normal, and quite pessimistic, and decidedly unsunny in comparison to my last post.

Every time you close a door and nothing opens in it's place, you've wasted.

My family is way ahead of me. Wow, hey, look at Tamara, first one to graduate college, first one to get a degree, she's smart, she can write so well...
kay. right. let me tell you how it feels to be me. it. feels. stagnating.

So. I will always wish that I can hold a man's attention. And I will always wish that I am lovable. And I will always wish I could call my father and hear him say, just one more time, how proud he is of me. Because for some reason once you pass the age of 18 people no longer think it's important to remind you. I will always want to be more productive, and less scattered, and more focused or physically fit. And come of these things are within my control, and some of them are not. But it's the knowledge that I find these things impossible to hang on to for longer than a few months that tortures me. Because I know that every time I feel happiness, and achievement, and that high that comes from being out of the tunnel and into the light, there will be another longer and darker tunnel ahead of me. Maybe not always. I hope not, anyway.
Maybe 21 years isn't enough to determine a pattern. But when your family members live to their 40s or 60s...you start to wonder.

Is this it?

Lazy Sunday.

So. Things are going really, really well right now.
Like, oddly well. I've made a conscious decision to stop fighting it and just go with it. Things can be going this well for a while with nothing really bad happening, right?

Anyway, I'm walking well now, sans brace...still got to work on my flexion, but other than that I'm doing wonderful with PT and recovery. Chris had his last day of chemo on Friday!!!!! So happy AND happy for him- it's been a very long time coming. Very long. And, oh yeah, WE'RE GOING TO NATIONALS!! The Norwich University Women's Rugby Football Club are Northeast Champions, earning- through sweat and dedication- the NE's only seed in the Division II National Championship. Maybe they'll finally move us up to Div I soon, so we can take this program to the next level and play Harvard, Navy, Army and Penn State.

And fuck. Them. Up. Yes.

Can't wait to get back on the pitch. The only downside to anything right now is my limited ability to work out. I've got a program worked out for this coming week which involves jump-rope (on one foot, thereby kind of doubling the cardio workout haha), and I can begin to cycle, so we'll see how that goes. Also, the pool beckons as does the pull-up bar and CORE STRENGTH exercises, which I will do just for fun cause....they're fun. :) I miss the gym, and now I can justify going (finding the time will be the issue, naturally).

I need to go shopping. It has only recently occurred to me that I am months away from entering the Real World, and despite the obvious simplicity of wearing a uniform to work...I don't plan on the Air Force being my only job. Volunteering, interviews, and "business casual" work-related tasks will undoubtedly be a part of my life, and my wardrobe still screams "I GO TO COLLEGE AND I AM AN INDIVIDUAL." So that means, of course, I have to do WHAT when I get back from Thanksgiving Break in 2 weeks?
Yeah, that's right. I have to go back to work. Greeaaatt.

Ah, well.

Because bananas grow on a non-woody plant, they can not be considered trees or shrubs. Thus, they are, in fact, herbs (commonly known as "spices"). The bananas we buy are genetically altered to be triploid, making the edible fruit much larger than normal, and the seeds are sterile.
They are simple fruits (unlike pineapples, which are multiple fruits, or raspberries, which are aggregates) and because the skin is formed from parts of the stem tissue, they can be considered accessory fruits. I am a banana, and my spoon is too big. No, really. Ha. Wait, what?

Mistakes.. we all (even me, but not often) make them.

So things I did in O Chem Lab today that I've never done before:
-Set up a vacuum distillation with no collecting beaker (thus no seal, no vacuum) and didn't turn the vacuum on.
-Tried to boil a round bottom on a mantle but forgot to turn the mantle on and stared at it challengingly wondering why it mocked me with its refusal to heat up.
-Showed up late.
-Poured organic waste down the drain. On purpose.
-Handled hot things or recently boiling glassware with my hands because I now know that I can handle that much heat (that part was fun, I totally looked like a badass- didn't flinch once)

Haha, so all in all after I made my requisite 3 mistakes... well 2 mistakes, one testimony to laziness and one conscious choice... I finally buckled down and did the damn experiment to get OUT OF THERE. And, even 20 minutes late to start, I was the third person out.

Damn I'm good in the lab, not gonna lie, I'm pretty impressive with that sort of multi-tasking.

Now, off to physical threapy and then a nap perhaps, so I can pull an all-nighter --sleeping schedule as it is, it shouldn't be ridiculously challenging, though I am getting old-- aaaand finish Senior Seminar. Maybe some coffee, a few sets of pushups to stay awake... hrm.

that's a puposeful comma at the end

How I know I have entirely too much going on inside my head: despite a cripplingly bad headache I've been dealing with since about 4:30 pm, I am still awake and sleepless the next morning at 1:30 sorting through thoughts and reading to silence those I don't want bursting my proverbial "it's Friday" bubble right now.

Pondering...life, not just life, but lost lives, friend's lives, my life, boots on the ground in Iraq, nuclear missiles, what's California like?, why is happiness so elusive and why can't I be one of those people who make their own, why haven't I really written or read anything of importance or literary value lately? everything I immerse myself in is cold hard science, just the way I like my days to be ruled, but I feel like a ball of left brained confusion right now.

Thiiiiis is exactly why I put my ass to bed before midnight and avoid late drinking binges (note: I am NOT currently drunk). I think too much. About my situation, about those who've graduated before me, about Dad and Will, and I ask questions. Why did I let myself be an underachiever? I often hear that I hold myself to impossibly high standards but no, that's not the case. I do have so much more potential than I let myself realize but for some reason I'm holding myself back. And I don't know if it's something I can control anymore or if falling short of my actual abilities is now an ingrained character flaw.

People change, don't they? Or is the saying that people don't change?

I've seen people change, slowly, and with much concerted effort. I lack the effort right now- I feel burnt out, but not like the candle's been burnt at both ends, more like the whole thing got put in a microwave and nuked on high. Ah, yes, I am a pile of wax... who's good at O Chem (but could be better!) And then there's this nagging feeling that I'm wasting what's left of my (relative to what is coming) carefree days by worrying, thinking, postulating...

Sleep beckons. Maybe,